The Beginning of the End

When we started college, both of us were still with our high school boyfriends. Neither of us intended to ever sleep with anyone else. Ever. Like we were total dumbfucks and honestly believed that our HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIENDS were the loves of our lives. Yeah. We know.

Then we got single.

Shortly after becoming single, around October, we went to the bar for one of our legendary drunk nights. Seeing as how we were both shitfaced, and had no one to drive us home, Melissa asked this boy she had recently deemed attractive to drive us home. He obliged, and she handed him her keys.

On the ride back to Megan's apartment, it came to our attention there was a slight problem. There I was, holding the moderately attractive boy's hand- let's call him Patrick- while Melissa sat in the passenger seat with no boy's hand to hold drunkenly. After announcing that she needed a boy to fuck, Patrick announced that there was a boy driving his truck behind us who was definitely dtf. We just so happened to be stopped at a redlight during this conversation, and so my best friend Megan did the classiest thing I have ever witnessed: she got out of my car, in all her barefoot drunken glory, and ran, RAN i tell you, down the bridge to this boy's truck. Keep in mind she had never seen this boy before, nor him her. All she had was Patrick's recommendation and a handful of whiskey drinks in her.

Upon getting into the truck with Derek, I quickly announced who I was and that Patrick had sent me-and I wasn't one to cock block Melissa. That was a good enough explanation for him coming from the drunken goddess climbing in to the cab of the truck with him. And down the road we went. I then received a text from the boy- Tyler- I was currently pursuing and had hooked up with the previous weekend. I replied to his text with the very important question "who's Derek?" I felt this question held a lot of importance, seeing as how I was currently driving down the road with him. The reply? "A pledge. I want you." All my thoughts of Derek being dtf were out the window. Thank God he wasn't a rapist or serial killer, because Tyler wanted to fuck me, and, well, the feeling was mutual.

After arriving at Megan's apartment, It became apparent that poor Derek was not getting any. It was apparent because Megan kept announcing she had to drive to the frat house Tyler lived at. Patrick, being the responsible boy that he was, took her keys because she was definitely too drunk to drive. Patrick took Derek home, seeing as how his services were no longer needed, then Tyler and his friend Bradley came over. Bradley, I hated. Almost immediately. Well, as soon as he started talking anyways. There was Megan and Tyler, all cuddled up, while I was waiting on Patrick. And Bradley wouldn't go the fuck away. Just a btw- asking a girl to 'wrestle' will not make her go into bed with you. Especially when she's already got a boy on his way.

Tyler and I decided to go to my room, and proceeded to have particularly loud sex according to Bradley...and Patrick...and Melissa. Anywho, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. And then for some reason he and Bradley stayed to watch a movie which I found completely unnecessary. We discussed their funniest sexual experiences, and then they finally left.

After Tyler and Megs went back to organize her closet or read the Bible or whatever the hell they were doing, I was stuck with Bradley AND Patrick. Now for some reason Patrick wanted to sit in the living room and hang out, which was absolutely pointless. So, after going to the bathroom, I went straight to the spare bedroom. And waited. And waited. After Bradley went to the bathroom and it was apparent I was no longer in the bathroom, Patrick came to join me. Leaving poor, annoying Bradley to watch tv in the living room by himself. However, two minutes later I longed to be watching Van Wilder with my bestie, Tyler and Bradley. Why, you ask? Well because approximately two minutes upon Patrick entering the room, he had managed to get us naked, fuck, and lay down beside me. Yes, my first fuck after my long-term boyfriend gave me the dreaded, terrible two minute sex. What a joke.

All in all, that's the thing about hookups. Megan obviously made the better choice between Derek and Tyler, she had loud enough sex to wake the neighborhood.
However maybe I should have stuck with Bradley, despite his obvious personality flaws. He couldn't have been any worse, anyways. It's just chance you have to take.

This is just the first of many nights of hookups, some good, some bad. We'd like to blame our sleeping around on the fact that our ex's are possibly the biggest dumbfucks you'll ever meet.




*All the names of the boys have been changed. This is partially due to the fact that they are huge whores so you may have slept with them, but mostly due to the fact that they are ridiculously full of themselves and probably Google their names on a daily basis to see what comes up.